This is going to be all over the place.
So here I am, 38.5 weeks pregnant with Baby 3, getting close but fully in the deep end of the waiting game. I’m tired, uncomfortable, generally feeling awful but at the same time feeling very nostalgic. This may be the last time.
This may be the last time I’ll be this pregnant. Or pregnant at all.
Heck. It PROBABLY is the last time but I can’t and won’t make that call right now because I have no idea what this is going to be like. I’m sure someday I’ll be able to say for sure but right now I don’t know. I know too many people who thought they were done and even made decisions on permanent birth control and they regret it later.
So I’m inundated with all these ideas of what I “should” be doing and how I “should” be spending me time. These are my last days of “me” time for a LONG time and all I want to do is sleep. I have silly thoughts like “I never had pregnancy photos in a mountain lake in a flowy white dress!”. Never mind that I don’t live anywhere near the mountains… I briefly looked for someone to take some fine art nudes to capture this belly but didn’t find anything and I’m still debating trying to take a few myself… You know. In my spare time before baby arrives…
My apartment has great light but no neutral backgrounds where I could actually pose… All the ideas… no idea how to execute.
The thought of never having these photos weighs on me but I’m sure I won’t care as much once the baby is out. Newborn photos are more important…. aaaaaaaaand I don’t have those booked either!
So now, I want the photos but I’m too tired to take them. I want the last moments with my big girls to be positive and memorable but I’m too tired to do fun things with them. Someone pointed out that THEY won’t remember these last days but I will. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but I’m kind of trapped in my own head/skin right now. I’m stretched to the max.
So I wait, and try to remember every kick and roll and hiccup and sleepless night with this life inside me. My body is great at making babies… decent at carrying them and pretty good at birthing them. It’s GREAT at feeding them and I know I’m a great mom. My time alone with this little love is drawing to a close and pretty soon I have to share him/her with the world… That’s always tough for me. Mama doesn’t like to share. I enjoy this time where I have my babies all to myself.
I can’t wait to see the girls as big sisters though. I know that Q will have a very special relationship with this baby. When she came home from school today I imagined the same scenario in a few months when it will be the baby’s favorite time of day. T is so good with babies. It will be a HUGE adjustment for her though. I’m scared of how she will act out because I know it’s inevitable. Q was super chill at her age and she still had issues adjusting.
It’s going to be a total zoo… I can’t help but wonder what we’ve gotten ourselves into. But I know it will be worth it. I’m trying to enjoy these nights without responsibility and these days to myself. It will be almost a full 4 years before this one is old enough to attend preschool. Here we go again…
Bring it on.